Well it is nearly 1am and I just can't sleep, so I am eating cold Vindaloo from the fridge and drinking coffee! I just feel the need for a useless conversation but no one is up to talk to, so I am just going to natter away to you :-)
Well last year I had a total mental block when it came to designing, I plugged away and came up with a few things that never really eventuated into much, then I created the solefood collection and was on a complete roll! I was so enthusiastic about it and I honestly couldn't keep up with myself, I had so many designs in my head. I was busy making and writing up the pattern to my Freesia booties when I got THAT call on the phone, you know the one that you know will come one day but never want it to happen, My Beloved Nan had passed away while feeding her animals at the ripe old age of 90, It hit me so hard as my Nan was my only living link to my Mother who passed away 9 years ago, she would tell me little stories about when Mum was a little girl and all the naughty wee things she would do, we would talk for hours and she would watch me crochet and admire my work, I would dress the kids up in their woollies especially because she liked them, but then suddenly there is no more :( nothing, nadda, none! It's all gone, no time to even say goodbye.
My eldest daughter and I sorted out my Nans funeral, It ended up being great therapy, we chose all the music and Willow helped me picked a nice comfortable coffin and clothes for Nan to wear, we sorted out the service and spent time just talking to Nan as Willow and I drew on her coffin lid and wrote our last goodbye messages, we did a pretty good job too if I say so myself,
Anyway I was exhausted after the funeral, emotionally drained would be an understatement, so we went on a family trip to Wellington, that was great! we had the best 4 days away from the world and our problems.
Anyway since then I have had a complete mental block, it has got so bad that I don't even like picking up my hook! those who know me, know this is bad!
I can't think of anything to make! I have lots of proto-types, half written patterns etc, I just need to find my Mojo........PLEASE give me back my mojo!!!
Hopefully it may turn up in the mailbox?
..................Gosh I am wondering if I should just delete all of this? people will think I have turned mad! but then again maybe this is exactly what I need, I need to realise that I am not immortal, I am not invincible, I am allowed to feel pissed with life at times! and I just want to swear really loudly!!!
Hugs, losing a loved one is never easy. I hope you find your mojo soon, your designs are fabulous.
ReplyDeleteWOW Janis - your post is describing exactly how I'm feeling. I have so felt like crawling into a big black hole and never coming out the last couple of months. I've had no energy to do much, I've kept knitting but lots of other things just have that 'ugh, too much work' feeling about them. Things are looking up here though and I hope it starts to look up for you too soon. Sometimes we just have to be stern with outselves and tell ourselves to snap out of it :-) Worked for me!
ReplyDeleteJanis, I lost my Mom last May and I think the lost mojo is part of the grieving process. You will get it back! Tell your Nan's stories to you little ones, they will help you remember....and be patient with yourself. Peace comes...eventually.
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